Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize