Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I deserve to be covered in dicks
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize