So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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