Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
