you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
