just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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