I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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