Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
