I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
