just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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