I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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