Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
