I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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