look no pants
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize