Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize