I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
