Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
