I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
