i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We were destined to go to rehab together
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
