We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
