Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
