Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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