Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
