Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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