Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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