How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
