i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
