i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
