I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
