If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
