This is not my ceiling
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
