Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
