Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Oh god it's open bar.
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