Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
