apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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