chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize