Can Purell be used as lube?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
