last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
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