Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
