what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
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