If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
