I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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