someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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