You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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