Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
