Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
