My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
