i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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