So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
