The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
