are you so shy because you have an std?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
