DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
