my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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