I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize