Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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