Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
