why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
