well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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