he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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